


Sink or Swim

by Anonymous



Category: Stardew Valley (Video Game)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mild Language, Opening Up, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, more tags will be added, potentially slow burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-25
Updated: 2019-02-26
Packaged: 2019-11-05 14:46:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17920853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Damien spent his life trying and failing spectacularly at learning to handle life. In a last ditch attempt to find purpose, he moves to Pelican Town to try and find new meaning. And perhaps, make some friends along the way that can help him understand just how important one person is.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This is literally me just typing without a second thought to get it out of my system, ergo unbeta'd and honestly, I don't really double check it myself lol, so apologies for grammar. It's...rather self-insert, which makes me hesitate to have my name shown. This is my way to try and acknowledge my own failings in life, and just to try and help anyone else there that may be struggling.
> 
> Life may suck at times, can be the absolute worst thing in the world. But I believe in you. If I can pull through, so can you. You got this.

It was too much. It always was. The people, the sounds, the atmosphere. Damien tried, but he could never get a grasp of the busy and hectic world around him. He was _drowning._ The meds helped, but only so much could help self esteem that’s been damaged over two plus decades of constant beratement, the constant anxiety, and the need to prove that he was worth something, _anything_ to someone. To himself.

 

The stress of his job and the treatment by his supervisors made him so ill that he took it out on himself. As soon as he was home, he’d drink to forget or just mindlessly play whatever game he felt up to at the time, or both. If he were less honest and scared, he’d probably turn to drugs. Anything to take the edge of the day off.

 

He’d hit rock bottom once. Everything seemed hopeless and that he wasn’t worth anything to the world. A few days in the hospital and outpatient treatment scared him from attempting that again. Still, no matter the situation, he struggled just to be able to swim. He had difficulty opening up. He had trouble showing and telling just how exactly he felt. He bottled everything up and just tried to forget it. He wouldn’t last much longer though.

 

His grandpa’s passing hit him hard. He remembered spending a lot of time at the farm as a kid and just listening to his stories and seeing all the pretty plants and flowers. His grandpa understood him. Didn’t write off his problems as just “being in his head.” And Damien appreciated that. He lost contact when he went to school, only to get back and see him growing sicker with each passing day until the end.

 

He never fully got over it. His grandpa was such a good and strong man. He was always happy. How did he understand all the pain Damien dealt and is dealing with? The letter was forgotten for some time. Damien just happened to stumble upon it while going through some of his old things. The farm. A new life. A new start.

 

At first, it was a difficult choice to make. How could he possibly just up and leave? He had a job. He was making a life for himself, however meager it was. But, it was stressful. It hurt him so much. He ached day in and day out, dreading work, dreading people, dreading everything.

 

He’s not sure how he did it. He gave his two weeks. Packed up his life. And left. Left the hell that was Zuzu City. Trying to find some meaning for his life in Pelican Town.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Drowning his woes at his shortcomings in farming, Damien finds a friend.

The first week was the hardest. Damien hardly slept a wink. Sure, Robin did wonders at restoring the house, but it creaked with the wind and the rain sounded like small bullets being dropped on the roof. There was so much overgrowth that honestly, he felt so stressed at just trying to find a spot to start cleaning up the area to return the farm to some sense of normalcy. It left him exhausted and hurting before even 3pm most days. He wasn’t used to so much manual labor. He’d been dealing with a desk job for the past few years.

 

And he wasn’t even going to think about the failed attempt with the Parsnips. That’s what brought him to the Saloon the second Friday he was there. That’s what had him already deep into his third glass of beer. He’d greeted the town the first few days and tried to learn how things worked. It was strange to him though. Everything was so much more laid back here. It wasn’t loud, nor did he feel like he was constantly being pulled in ten directions at once. Everything was slower. It was a nice reprieve.

 

“…you sure you don’t want to talk about it?” The words jerked Damien out of his slump. He looked to Emily before he just gave a wave of his hand, managing a weak smile.

 

“Nah. Just gotta learn for myself how to handle things.” He dismissed her, just like he did with everything else. Emily didn’t seem entirely sold, but she didn’t push, instead going back to helping Gus. He was sure some of the others could’ve easily helped him. But he couldn’t muster the strength to ask. He didn’t need to appear even more pathetic than he already did.

 

Damien downed the rest of his beer before he stood. He wasn’t quite done for the night, but he was feeling stiff. After all the running and just general farm work, sitting for long periods left him feeling antsy in a way, even if his feet protested. He was at a loss of what to do though. He wasn’t exactly the best company, and the so called ‘liquid courage’ did little to help him try and open up. Ugh, maybe he wasn’t cut out for this new life after all. He definitely couldn’t compare to his grandpa, that’s for sure.

 

He needed a smoke. He’d gone through what he had already (which truthfully wasn’t much since he wasn’t a big smoker), and the thought of tucking tail and returning to Zuzu City so soon hardly sounded appealing. He doubted the general store would have any, and like hell if he’d step foot inside Joja again to see if they do. Without thinking, he made his way over to the younger crowd. Perhaps the courage was kicking in after all.

 

“Sebastian?” He called, getting the attention of all three of them. He faltered for a moment when all three pairs of eyes turned to him, but he just steeled himself and took a step closer so he felt like he wasn’t drawing as much attention to himself from the rest of the guests. He’d seen Sebastian smoking before and had smelled it on him when they first met, but the question was if he’d be good for it. “Any chance I can get a smoke? I’ll pay if you want.” Sebastian looked him over for a moment as if considering something before he set his pool stick down.

 

“Sure. I’ll join you.” Relief flooded Damien’s senses at that. Sebastian gave Sam a flat stare before he left. “I’ll know if you did.” Damien had to give a slight huff of a laugh at that before he made his way outside the Saloon. The spring air was crisp and clean. That coupled with the quiet that came with the small town, it was a polar opposite of the city. He started to fall into his own thoughts again when Sebastian tapped the cigarette box against his arm.

 

“What do I owe you?” Damien asked, and Sebastian shook his head.

 

“Consider it a welcome gift to the most boring place on earth.” They both chuckled at that before Damien carefully took the pack from him.

 

“Thanks. I do owe you one though.” Damien was not one to let kindness go unpaid. He always felt he needed to return the gesture in some way.

 

“Don’t worry about it.” Sebastian lit his own cigarette before he offered the lighter to Damien. The exchange was quiet as Damien took that as well and lit up his own before returning the pack and lighter. He took a drag before he exhaled the smoke, looking up to the stars. They were quiet for a while, both minding their own business and tending to their own thoughts before Sebastian broke the silence. “So, you really left the city to come here?”

 

“Mmm.” Damien just hummed at the question before he looked back down. “It was too much for me. Whatever strength I had at the end of the day was wasted on drinking or mindless games. Crippling anxiety doesn’t leave much room to go out and do things.” Sebastian could somewhat understand. He didn’t care for people at the best of times. Still, to leave the city to be barely living? It didn’t make much sense. Then again, he had no idea what Damien went through.

 

“Got you here though,” Sebastian pointed out and Damien just chuckled humorlessly.

 

“Yeah, I guess so. So far, I’m not sure what life is better.” ‘When I’m a failure in both,’ his mind finished and he just bit the inside of his cheek. It just took time, he had to remind himself.

 

“I can’t imagine leaving the city for…This.” Sebastian motioned out to the few houses that were still visible despite the darkness.

 

“Well, it was either this or six under.” That cold truth was a slap in the face for Damien as he realized what he just said. “ _Shit._ ” He really didn’t want to blurt something like that. His mind was racing. He didn’t want to talk about that shit. He wanted to forget it, damn the alcohol, damn his mouth, damn—

 

“You know how to play pool?” Sebastian saw how the other was seizing up. He wasn’t expecting such…bluntness from Damien, especially not so negative. Still, he knew how it was with anxiety. Find something else to latch on and let it drift away was the best way he found to deal with it.

 

“Er…” Damien was so stunned. He wasn’t expecting the question, but damn if he wasn’t happy about it. Change of topic, good. “I know a thing or two. It’s been a while though.”

 

“Come on.” Sebastian put out his cigarette in the ashtray he left out here for that specific reason before he looked to Damien. “Let’s see if you’re better than Sam. I need a challenge.” Damien just stared at him, mind abuzz. He accidentally admitted to some heavy stuff and Sebastian just essentially shrugged it off—or at the very least, called no attention to it.

 

“Yeah sure, why not?” Damien finally agreed before he put out his cigarette as well and followed Sebastian inside. Maybe this life would be better.

 

At least he was better at pool than Sam.


End file.
